Almost exactly a year ago, I graduated from college, and I had pretty much everything I wanted, and absolutely more than I deserved. I got the job, the girl, the grill, and the car. A year later, I'm less certain about the future than ever, and I think I know exactly why.
I've been lucky, lucky, and lucky my entire life. I managed to finish high school, graduate college, get internships, and secure a job - but none of that was due to the things I've done. I've just been in the company of people willing to overlook my shortcomings enough to give me chances. My luck is going to run out soon, and inexperience and 'not knowing any better' won't be acceptable. In my job, there's 18 other analysts in the same position as me - and I fully expect _all_ of them to surpass me in prestige, salary, position, and regard - and justifiably so. They're smarter, work harder, and are plain better at selling themselves and networking. I can't network at all. I have no ability whatsoever to introduce myself, sell myself, talk, and not be awkward.
I'm learning very quickly it's not about how nice, clever or smart you are - it's about who you know and how many know you. I'm not destined for that. I hate publicizing what I do if it's not significant, and I don't feel what I do is significant at all. I know nothing of finance. I didn't come from a finance background, and all I know of it is from some basic training. I couldn't tell you what a REIT stands for and I couldn't talk for more than a second about equity and credit markets. I don't belong there. I know enough to do part of a full-time function, but I have an ant's knowledge of the scope of the bigger picture. It's my fault for not learning, or putting in the time to learn.
I don't think my boss respects me at all, and I can't blame him for that. I make too many mistakes, and I apologize profusely for anything. On the phone, I sound like a moron and as if I have no knowledge of how anything works. I fell asleep several times, and on my first day I had IM windows up - and if first impressions are the be-all end-all, mine is garbage. God damn it. I do nothing to deserve his respect, and accordingly I'll get a low rating for it. This position is temporary, but I have no idea what to expect of the next. I am so very, very scared of being locked into a desk jockey position for the next twenty years. Right now, I'm on par with the rest of the young hires - but as people grow and move on, I've this nerve wracking fear that everyone will move far past me, while I remain in some menial function with nothing but "senior specialist" to my name.
This inability I have to go out and actually sell myself to people explains why I've made no friends since graduating. I just will not insert myself into someone else's life unless there's a reason to, and I don't know why I do that. If I don't introduce myself to anyone, I could be losing out on the world, and yet I'd rather remain unknown and insignificant. I can't stand it.
Underneath it all, I feel replaceable. I am a replaceable coworker, friend, boyfriend, teammate, church member - whatever role I play in anyone's life, there's a million others who do it better than I do. I don't make anyone's life better worth a damn. If I'm to pass, I don't expect very many people wishing they had more time with me.
I've a genuine worry that my life is destined to be mediocre and negligible in every way, because the person I am has never spent a second trying to be anything but. If my life is one that is sinful, selfish, and unremarkable, I want it to be short.
Today I went to CNN.com, and I find a story called, "Boy, 10, gets perfect score on SAT math test." So I'm thinking, "what are the odds the kid is Asian?" I go and watch the video; lo and behold, he is. Thanks for perpetuating the stereotype and making us (namely me) who're bad at math look like fools, jerk.
